Thursday, July 3, 2008
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
coping
My anxiety level is through the roof today (and yesterday). I could share the details, but the details aren't really the point, are they? It all comes down to this, I think: My internal barometer or measuring stick is off, and I am at the point where my perceptions of other people's opinions of me (or fear of their opinions of me) is too much for me. That is ridiculous, I know this, logically, particularly because I am certain that people don't think of me that much. It sounds silly to write this out. The thing is, when I think through the situations that are stressing me out in detail, it all comes down to that issue, at the heart of it.
When I am comfortable with my own choices, I am at peace with my life.
Lately, I feel like it's impossible to anything "right" -- whether that means not being annoying to people or doing what someone else thinks I should do (or what I perceive that I am supposed to be doing, which apparently is always shifting all around me... which is why I need to rely on internal measures of success and progress rather than my perceptions of external measures). I see myself seriously avoiding conflict even more than normal (work stuff) because of this anxiety. I don't like this.
Something that's hard about this line of work is that there are so many different ideas about what it takes to be good at it or effective or make an impact. I feel like when I make progress in one area, it takes away progress in another area, and I don't always feel very capable of making progress by particular markers of effectiveness. A very simple example is that I have a new course to develop for this fall. I haven't made a lot of progress on it, but I have started working on it. Yet if I focus on that course, I am not working on my writing.
There are always reasons to feel like I am not where I need to be. An example: When I started my job four years ago, I was worried that I would not be successful at publishing. Now I feel like I can publish my research and I can write articles that are good enough for publication. This is a huge adjustment for me. I used to think I wouldn't be smart enough to figure out how to write something worth publishing, and now I believe I can, but it's, of course, still hard. Now? I think about how I have not been funded externally (I do my work by spending other people's money -- accepting course buyouts, travel money, and grad students, etc., from the grants of others when they need help with their work -- when I can see how their work aligns with my goals.), and this makes me feel bad. I feel like if I was real, I would have fundable ideas. I used to worry about having publishable ideas. Now I fear that I don't have a big enough idea to find funding for it.
There have been tiny work conflicts with my colleagues over some adminstrative decisions that have caused far more anxiety than necessary lately, and I feel lame that I have allowed these events to bother me as much as they have.
To think, this is my summer... A time for stress? I tried taking yesterday afternoon and this morning off. It's not helping. I am just sitting here with the anxiety.
I will make an appointment to go back to see my therapist in the next couple of months. I haven't been in over six months.
When I am comfortable with my own choices, I am at peace with my life.
Lately, I feel like it's impossible to anything "right" -- whether that means not being annoying to people or doing what someone else thinks I should do (or what I perceive that I am supposed to be doing, which apparently is always shifting all around me... which is why I need to rely on internal measures of success and progress rather than my perceptions of external measures). I see myself seriously avoiding conflict even more than normal (work stuff) because of this anxiety. I don't like this.
Something that's hard about this line of work is that there are so many different ideas about what it takes to be good at it or effective or make an impact. I feel like when I make progress in one area, it takes away progress in another area, and I don't always feel very capable of making progress by particular markers of effectiveness. A very simple example is that I have a new course to develop for this fall. I haven't made a lot of progress on it, but I have started working on it. Yet if I focus on that course, I am not working on my writing.
There are always reasons to feel like I am not where I need to be. An example: When I started my job four years ago, I was worried that I would not be successful at publishing. Now I feel like I can publish my research and I can write articles that are good enough for publication. This is a huge adjustment for me. I used to think I wouldn't be smart enough to figure out how to write something worth publishing, and now I believe I can, but it's, of course, still hard. Now? I think about how I have not been funded externally (I do my work by spending other people's money -- accepting course buyouts, travel money, and grad students, etc., from the grants of others when they need help with their work -- when I can see how their work aligns with my goals.), and this makes me feel bad. I feel like if I was real, I would have fundable ideas. I used to worry about having publishable ideas. Now I fear that I don't have a big enough idea to find funding for it.
There have been tiny work conflicts with my colleagues over some adminstrative decisions that have caused far more anxiety than necessary lately, and I feel lame that I have allowed these events to bother me as much as they have.
To think, this is my summer... A time for stress? I tried taking yesterday afternoon and this morning off. It's not helping. I am just sitting here with the anxiety.
I will make an appointment to go back to see my therapist in the next couple of months. I haven't been in over six months.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Monday, June 30, 2008
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
177/366: jade plant
I had trouble getting motivated with work today (Wednesday). I only worked a couple of hours. I have trouble with the days and times when I can't commit to either working or relaxing. When I think I should be working and then I don't work, I don't enjoy the time when I'm not working, because I feel guilty. One way or another, I think I'd be happier if I committed to my choices. Pick one, work or not work, for that particular time frame (not necessarily the entire day, but whatever particular unit of time, even if it's 15 minutes) and embrace it. I mean, I don't even teach four classes, and I often feel (and live) like this.
So, I never really shared, but my travel on Tuesday was pretty much fine. The biggest problem was that my flight was the first flight out of the day on that airline. Plus, I'm turbo and arrive to the airport early. So, I went to use the kiosks to check my bags and the agents were not very helpful. MANY other people who checked in after me got their bags tagged before I did. I felt invisible. I also felt like it wasn't fair. I wasn't in a hurry, so I waited to see how long it would take for an agent to tag my bags. Answer: About 20 minutes after I completed the kiosk entry information. That's far too long. Some dude went to use my kiosk, since the screen was available, and I suggested that he choose a different kiosk, because the agents apparently don't help people at my kiosk.
It's not that big of a deal, but it's a minor deal.
Otherwise, things went really well with the travel. No delays. On the connecting flight, I had an entire exit row to myself, so I was able to lie down and take a wee little nap. Also, for some reason, a flight attendant gave me a complimentary glass (okay, plastic cup) of wine, and it wasn't the sort of flight where everyone gets one, so that was random.
I have so much trouble bouncing back from long travel days. I think I've heard of some people who can go directly from a flight to a work meeting. That would be really hard for me. I guess we do those sorts of things more because we have to, not because we want to or because we're good at it.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
176/366: sunrise at airport
Note the time stamp of 5:55 a.m. EST when I took this shot. By this point, I had already been at the airport for a while. My airplane took off at 6:15 a.m. this morning I did not fly Southwest. This was just the airplane that was nearest the sunrise. Travels went smoothly today.
Monday, June 23, 2008
175/366: crap
So, I just said in the last post that I break things. Look at what I broke... my car. And some other dude's car. I had what is called a start and stop accident. I was turning right onto a major street from a parking lot. Someone was in front of me, turning right onto this street as well. I saw him pull out of the lot onto the street, so I looked left to see when I could go and pulled out, but he had stopped again in front of me, so I hit him. Rear-ended him. At a slow speed, but still. His bumper was dented and so was mine. It's relatively small, but I imagine that the way to fix it is to replace the whole bumper. I don't know if I will bother to fix mine. It's awful, but I have a $500 deductible. He has my insurance information, so he'll probably file the claim and fix his. I have a really good insurance company (USAA), and I know that they'll be nice to him. (They're going to call him themselves to follow up, for example.)
So, this day sucks.
Now I need to pack and leave town for a while.
Also? My camera lens is back to acting up again (see below).
*sigh*
ooo.... a post with words! (alternate title: lens drama)
Hello. It's me, B*. I know I haven't written much lately. I haven't felt like typing on here. I write blog posts in my head all of the time, but they don't make it to the blog.
I tend to have a black thumb when it comes to electronic items. My stuff doesn't stay as nice as other people's stuff. My iPod is scratched, including the screen. My car is dented. My laptop has been repaired twice and looks very beaten and scratched with many letters scraped off of the keyboard. Two of my camera lenses have broken and been fixed or replaced. This post is about the second of these lenses.
I was inspired to write this morning to share about my zoom lens and its trouble. When I was out shooting these photos, my 55-200 mm lens started acting weirdly. This lens was a birthday gift from my boyfriend, so I haven't had it for long (my birthday is in April). It was a refurbished Nikon lens, purchased through Adorama.com. I haven't had trouble with Adorama products. I'd purchased from them previously, including a different refurbished lens, which is working fine. Refurbished lenses are warrantied for three months, so the warranty will expire soon.
Here is the problem with the lens. It's related to the Vibration Reduction mechanism, I think. Intermittently, it does this thing where it hops or jumps or clicks four times and then the VR function no longer works. (Note: VR mechanisms and auto-focus motors for Nikon digital-only lenses are in the lens itself, not the body of the camera.) This is not normal behavior. Some people have had this problem with an 18-200 mm Nikon zoom lens. Read about it here, here, and here.
I sent the lens back to Nikon for repair in early June, and now I have it back. The repair was free (except for the cost for me to ship it to them) since it was under warranty, with return shipping taking only one day once they fixed it. (You can track the process online once Nikon receives the item and checks it in to their system.) I was pleased that the process only took two weeks, door to door. Once the lens arrived post-repair, it was working fine. I have been trying to use the lens a little bit every day to see if the problem had been fixed while it was still under the 90 day warranty that comes with refurbished products.
On Saturday, when I was taking these pictures, the problem reoccurred! ACK! I was happy with so many of the pictures, so I wasn't sure what I thought about the lens problem (over 20% of my shots were worth keeping, maybe even more, but that's all that I chose to process -- in the past, it was a good shooting day if I was happy with 10% of the shots).
I was freaking out a bit, because today is my last day in town for a long time (please don't break into my house and steal my LCD television, thanks). I would have to send it in today (Monday), or live with a product with an expired warranty.
I called Nikon and asked if I could send in the lens today, and I learned something fantastic: Nikon guarantees their repairs for six months! I did not know this! Nothing appeared in the documents from Nikon indicating that this would be true. I am so happy! I was encouraged to keep my lens for a while, use it a bunch, diagnose the problem more specifically, and send it back later. I am glad, because starting tomorrow, I'm in my boyfriend's city for most of the summer, and it would be complicated to send it from there for various reasons.
Also, who knew that sending something in for repair would essentially extend the product's warranty?
Has anyone purchased a refurbished electronic item before and had any trouble? Based on this experience, I'm hesitant to buy refurbished products again. I mean, you don't save that much money, and it was probably refurbished for a reason (due to a problem).
Has anyone had positive or negative experiences with electronics repair services while the product was under warranty? I feel good about my repair service experience (relatively short turn-around time, long guarantee on the repair), but I don't know if this experience is typical for other repair services.
p.s., Today would have been my seventh wedding anniversary. I don't have strong feelings about this, other than thinking that seven years is a lot of time, and we didn't even make it to five. I know in my heart that that marriage wasn't for me, and I am relieved to be out of it, but it's sad that a commitment wasn't fulfilled, at some level.
As far as the annulment goes, I have been in communication with my advocate, who is going to make sure that no annulment will be granted for the psychological reason (I am opposed to an annulment that is based on my psychological state at the time of my vows.), and he is going to advocate for an annulment based on my alternate rationale. At this point, I just wait, and appreciate all of my witnesses who spoke on my behalf. The rest of the process could take a while. Estimate is four months, but it could take longer.
I tend to have a black thumb when it comes to electronic items. My stuff doesn't stay as nice as other people's stuff. My iPod is scratched, including the screen. My car is dented. My laptop has been repaired twice and looks very beaten and scratched with many letters scraped off of the keyboard. Two of my camera lenses have broken and been fixed or replaced. This post is about the second of these lenses.
I was inspired to write this morning to share about my zoom lens and its trouble. When I was out shooting these photos, my 55-200 mm lens started acting weirdly. This lens was a birthday gift from my boyfriend, so I haven't had it for long (my birthday is in April). It was a refurbished Nikon lens, purchased through Adorama.com. I haven't had trouble with Adorama products. I'd purchased from them previously, including a different refurbished lens, which is working fine. Refurbished lenses are warrantied for three months, so the warranty will expire soon.
Here is the problem with the lens. It's related to the Vibration Reduction mechanism, I think. Intermittently, it does this thing where it hops or jumps or clicks four times and then the VR function no longer works. (Note: VR mechanisms and auto-focus motors for Nikon digital-only lenses are in the lens itself, not the body of the camera.) This is not normal behavior. Some people have had this problem with an 18-200 mm Nikon zoom lens. Read about it here, here, and here.
I sent the lens back to Nikon for repair in early June, and now I have it back. The repair was free (except for the cost for me to ship it to them) since it was under warranty, with return shipping taking only one day once they fixed it. (You can track the process online once Nikon receives the item and checks it in to their system.) I was pleased that the process only took two weeks, door to door. Once the lens arrived post-repair, it was working fine. I have been trying to use the lens a little bit every day to see if the problem had been fixed while it was still under the 90 day warranty that comes with refurbished products.
On Saturday, when I was taking these pictures, the problem reoccurred! ACK! I was happy with so many of the pictures, so I wasn't sure what I thought about the lens problem (over 20% of my shots were worth keeping, maybe even more, but that's all that I chose to process -- in the past, it was a good shooting day if I was happy with 10% of the shots).
I was freaking out a bit, because today is my last day in town for a long time (please don't break into my house and steal my LCD television, thanks). I would have to send it in today (Monday), or live with a product with an expired warranty.
I called Nikon and asked if I could send in the lens today, and I learned something fantastic: Nikon guarantees their repairs for six months! I did not know this! Nothing appeared in the documents from Nikon indicating that this would be true. I am so happy! I was encouraged to keep my lens for a while, use it a bunch, diagnose the problem more specifically, and send it back later. I am glad, because starting tomorrow, I'm in my boyfriend's city for most of the summer, and it would be complicated to send it from there for various reasons.
Also, who knew that sending something in for repair would essentially extend the product's warranty?
Has anyone purchased a refurbished electronic item before and had any trouble? Based on this experience, I'm hesitant to buy refurbished products again. I mean, you don't save that much money, and it was probably refurbished for a reason (due to a problem).
Has anyone had positive or negative experiences with electronics repair services while the product was under warranty? I feel good about my repair service experience (relatively short turn-around time, long guarantee on the repair), but I don't know if this experience is typical for other repair services.
p.s., Today would have been my seventh wedding anniversary. I don't have strong feelings about this, other than thinking that seven years is a lot of time, and we didn't even make it to five. I know in my heart that that marriage wasn't for me, and I am relieved to be out of it, but it's sad that a commitment wasn't fulfilled, at some level.
As far as the annulment goes, I have been in communication with my advocate, who is going to make sure that no annulment will be granted for the psychological reason (I am opposed to an annulment that is based on my psychological state at the time of my vows.), and he is going to advocate for an annulment based on my alternate rationale. At this point, I just wait, and appreciate all of my witnesses who spoke on my behalf. The rest of the process could take a while. Estimate is four months, but it could take longer.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
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